Note: This was just written off the top of my head. It actually has a meaning, can you guess what it is? All critiques are welcomed and appreciated. Thanks!!
The Romance of Jupiter
By Angel of Death
You're swept up into an ocean
of a cosmic persuasion. The sun orbits
around your moonless soul and
gravity pushes you away from earth.
I want to pull you back into my planetary
embrace but you're slowly decomposing into
a faceless star with Saturn's rings for a smile
and the sun's rays for a body.
My universe is wrapped around the ecliptic
because you keep me there. I just want to see
you, I just want to hold you, but you are
too far away.
When we cross paths, it always ends in
a fight as big as asteroids. But I will not
take this any longer. You are my
sun and I can't live without you.
We should just forgive each other. There will
be no more wars between the Trojans and the
Greeks. Take me back for I am yours.
I am your Helen, and I shall always be.
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hi Angel!
What are you talking about here? It's not very clear. I know it can't be Jupiter or the Sun or Saturn or any of the other Jovian planets. So what exactly do you want to say?
Also, as far as imagery goes, I like Penelope better than Helen. Why? Because Penelope was Helen's cousin, but she was always faithful whereas Helen was kind of a slut that a lot of people killed for.
your combination of science and history in d poem is wat thrilled me most. it is a beautiful concept
Enjambment was very well done. I loved you're continuation of space vocabulary. Gorgeous.
I like all of this celestial stuff. As I understood it, the planets were a metaphor for a longing to reconcile because of this pull towards each other, and the last stanza revealed the actual plot behind the feelings. The diction is powerful and beautiful. I don't think anything should be changed. <3 it
Yeah, I'm with Yatta here. This thing with space and all those metaphors went good. Until the end when you took a turn of 180 degrees...I also don't like that kind of "jumping" in the poem from one thing to another.
And these sentences...they are long but that doesn't mean that's not wright. In your case some of them are ruining the relaxing atmosphere that you created, not all of them. Oh, but the rest is good(read: it needs some fixing...)
Great poem. Although I must say I find it odd how all your other stanzas were astronomy stuff then in your final stanza it was all mythology. It threw me off a little but at the same time, it worked quite well. I'm still trying to understand though why you shifted from science to mythology suddenly. Is it because it is like your version of Helen of Troy in poetry and the last stanza sort of just concretizes the whole idea? Or was it just your way to end the poem? Anyway, as I said earlier, grrreat poem.
Excuse me for a minute, I am going to be blunt.
WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!
Achille's heel?!?! YOUR GREEK METAPHORS ARE OFF!
His heel was a weakness, you can TOTALLY live without your weakness! You basically just called your special person your downfall! AHHH Major Ancient History faux pas!
"We should just forgive each other. There will
be no more wars between the Trojans and the
Greeks. Take me back for I am yours.
I am your Helen, and I shall always be."
Wtf. Don't switch metaphors on me. You need to stay consistent with the planet stuff, because this came out of no where and I don't like it. It's because of that Achille's heel stuff. You should have said "Orion's Belt" or "You are the sun" because metaphorically, it makes sense. But don't go from cosmic metaphors to ancient historical metaphors. There is such things as flow and this stanza distrupted the flow. I feel like you were singing me a lullaby and all of a sudden you started blaring gangsta rap. You just don't lure a baby to sleep with gangsta rap, ya dig? I hope this loose metaphor carried my feelings along properly. Anyway, other than that last stanza, I liked it.
Yatta!
P.S. Seriously, even though I am being cheeky, fix that last stanza and the "achille's heel" business.
MilaScribbler
Thanks for your critique. I'll surely take your suggestion into consideration but I like the way it is formatted, but we shall see. Ha, I wasn't sure anybody would get the last verse and at one point I felt that it didn't fit in, so I'm glad to know that you liked it.
Thanks again!
~Angel
I think it was a pretty good poem on the whole
what u might want to arrange are the long sentences that sometimes make the reader think its a piece of prose writing: this is poetry after all...
I love the last verse. awesome writing.
I look forward to seeing your other works but that will be tomorrow....
congrats!
MilaScribbler
Oreorulez21401
Thanks a lot for your review. I wasn't sure it would be good because usually when I write something off the top of my head, it is not really good. But yes, I love Science and so I just wrote this up. So it kinda came to me as a shock that is was really good. If only you could see my face...but thanks a trillion!
~Angel
I really enjoyed reading your poem. What I really liked the most is all your allusions to history and science. Really great job. It's something everyone can relate to.